New Beginnings
by Julziexx3
Summary: Lilly is forced to go to rehab for her eating disorder and drug addictions. She meets someone there who might make this road go a little bit easier for her, someone who is finally on her side. Loliver. Very AU. Pretty deep and a little bit depressing.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is pretty deep and like nothing I've ever written before. The idea just kind of came to me so I'm making this. Not sure where It'll go, but whatever. **

I sit on the painfully unconformable cot and sigh. Tears tumble out of my eyes, and I try hard to keep them in, but I just can't. I break down. I need to get out of here. I should of stopped when I could. Hell, I should of never started. I don't know what possessed me to do this. I don't know what told me to stop eating. Why would I think that's okay? Oh, I just won't eat for the next two years. That shouldn't impact me _at all_. Now I'm trapped in this stupid little rehab center until I recover. I have a schedule. A fucking schedule. They tell me when I'm supposed to wake up, eat lunch, go to therapy. It's living hell and I made myself get here.

So for the next who-knows-how-many-months I'm in a small town in Illinois. In a stupid rehab center called "New Beginnings." I snort. How fucking cheesy can you get? It's supposed to "treat" eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse and depression. My mom sent me here after all the hospital visits I had didn't help at all. They made me have a meal plan, but I couldn't follow it. I couldn't bring myself to eat 2,000 calories a day. No one can force me to eat. Absolutely no one.

New Beginnings is in a woodsy area near Chicago and it's supposed to be very peaceful and calming. As of now, the trees everywhere are kind of freaking me out. I'm from California, _so _not used to this.

I shut my eyes tight, hoping this is a dream. Actually, I hope the last two years of my life is just be a dream. Two years of endless starving and doing whatever drugs that would "help" me lose weight. Well look where that got me. Depressed, annoyed, hopeless...and _here_.

"Hey...uh, Lilly?"

I open my eyes abruptly and stare at the door in front of me. A guy about my age is standing there, a small smile on his face. He has dirty brown hair that reaches the tip of his chin. He looks like the average teenage guy. Not like a fucked up teenager like myself.

"Um, hi?"

"I'm Oliver. Apparently I'm supposed to show you around."

I take a deep breath and try to smile. "Okay. I'm ready."

"So, why are you here? If you...don't mind me asking."

I scoff. Like he doesn't know why I'm here. I weigh ninety pounds, it's not that hard to tell.

"For...a lot of things." I glance uncomfortably at the ground, "You?"

"Substance abuse." he makes quotation marks with his hands. "And depression. Stuff like that."

I nod, surprised that he told me that. We hardly said four words to each other and he basically just spilled out his entire life.

"So, I'm guessing your parents shipped you off here?"

"Yeah." he sighs. "It's been five months. And not to burst your bubble or anything, but it sucks. I guess at some point in my life I'll look back and see it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I just fucking hate it."

"Great." I mumble sarcastically. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

"So anyways, on with our tour. This is the fantastic therapy center."

"Yay." I stare into a tiny room. There are yoga type mats in a circle in the corner of the room. Other than that, there's just a small desk with a chair directly in front of it.

"You have like, five sessions a day. They'll help you with...whatever you're going through. You know, you never did tell me."

I snort. "Like you don't know."

"What? I don't!" Oliver defends himself. I roll my eyes. I figured all the guys I'd meet here would be idiots.

"It's pretty obvious."

"I swear, I have no idea!"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Right."

"Fine. I can kind of tell...but-"

"Then why did you lie to me?" I almost yell at him. I'm practically ready to break down. I run a hand through my tangled blond hair, god, I'm such a mess.

Oliver shrugs. "It's something they teach you here, to admit your problem."

"I don't have a problem!" I bark at him.

"People die from eating disorders everyday, you know."

I scoff, "I do NOT have an eating disorder! I just don't eat the same amount as everybody else!"

"Lilly, just face it, you do."

"I do not!"

"I know it's really hard to admit it. I didn't admit I'm an alcoholic till like, last month."

I widen my eyes. I guess you could call me an alcoholic. But then again, I'm fucked up in pretty much every way. I drink, I do drugs, I starve myself. On the very rare occasion when I do eat, I end up standing in front of the toilet puking my guts out. I need help, and I need it now. I shut my eyes, tight. I'm so messed up. I'm gonna die young and waste my entire life. As of now, this whole recovery thing looks like it's going to suck.

"What's it like...recovering?"

"It's horrible. I'm all moody and I act like a complete douche most of the time. They try to convince me that I can live a alcohol free life, but now I'm kind of starting to doubt it."

"Really?" I say, horrified. "Why?"

He shrugs. "My entire life revolved around alcohol."

An eerie feeling runs over me. In a way, mine does too, with cocaine. I can't have food, so I do coke. It used to seem like logic. That's just what I do, I've done it for years, it's my life. People have come up to me and told me I'm going to die if I keep living like this. It never effected me too much. Stay pretty, die young. But now that I think about it, that's the exact opposite of what I am. _Pretty_. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a fat girl, but sometimes I look and I see...a broken one. I see my bones stick out of my chest, looking so out of place. I see how my legs look like toothpicks. I see the dark circles around my bloodshot eyes. I think, _maybe I should eat. Maybe it will be better if I do. _But then I force a smile and tell myself to shut up. I used to just sit in my room and pinch the edge of my elbow, pulling up the skin coating it. I would sob and say how fat I am. There is definitely a monster inside of me.

"Lilly? Lilly? What's wrong?" Oliver looks worried.

"What? N-nothing." I touch my face and notice it's wet with tears.

"Aw, Lilly." He pulls me into a hug, which is the tiniest bit awkward yet also releaving.

"I'm s-sorry." I blubber into his shoulder, gripping onto the back of his shirt.

I take a deep breath and sigh."Can I just go back to my room?"

Oliver glances at the clock. "Actually, it's lunch time."

I bite my lip. It's not like I'm going to eat lunch anyway. "You know what? I'll just go get settled and everything."

He raises his eyebrows at me. "You have to eat."

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"I don't have to eat any other day, so I don't have to eat today."

"Listen, Lilly-"

A brunette woman in sweatpants smiles at Oliver.

"Hello, Oliver! So you're showing our new patient around!" she says excitedly and turns to me. "I don't think we formally met, I'm Kimberly Jones, the head of New Beginnings."

I shake her hand and fake smile. What am I supposed to do, act like I'm all psyched to be here?

"So I take it you two are going to lunch?"

"Yep." Oliver answers at the exact time I answer "No."

"Lilly, lunch is around now. I'm sure Oliver will show you around the cafeteria!" She gives me a cheesy smile.

"I'm sure he will." I mumble. "Thank you."

She walks off and I roll my eyes. "I'm not eating!"

He smirks, getting dangerously close. I'm too tired to even try to push him away from me. "Eat." he whispers. He's so close I can feel his breath on my face. I bet he's a player, seducing every girl who comes here. He must have a fetish for dying girls or something.

"Fine. Take me to the cafeteria."

He smiles softly and walks me to a small cabin like room. The walls are wood as are the floors, and there isn't one window in the entire room. It has a buffet line and shit like that.

Oliver begins to put food on his plate and I just grab a bottled water. He looks disapprovingly at my empty plate.

"You need to eat."

"I believe we went over this. I don't eat."

"I'm staying here until you eat a slice of pizza."

I gasp. A slice of pizza? Could he have picked a more calorie packed food? I look uneasily at the pizza across the room.

"I-I can't have pizza. It has like 400 calories a-and-"

"Fine," Oliver says, obviously annoyed with my pointless complaining, "Then eat an apple or something!"

"No! I'm only supposed to have 200 calories a day and I already went over that during breakfast!"

He raises his eyebrows. "You can't live off of 200 calories a day."

"No. But what if- what if I don't want to live?" I start sobbing, biting my lip till it bleeds. It's not fair that I act like this. I've got everything I've ever wanted in life. But I just knocked it down and made everyone in my life have to work so much more. All for me and the stupid ass problems_ I_ started.

"Here...um, come on." Oliver says to me, practically dragging me out of the cafeteria. I try to stop sobbing, but there's no point. I'm already ruined. The drugs have ruined me. The alcohol has ruined me. The eating disorder has ruined me. I'm just a broken piece of shit right now. Since I've already made myself dead inside, what's the point? Why don't I just fucking die?

I'm numb until I feel the cool air swirl around me. I noticed Oliver dragged me outside.

"Why am I here?" I put my arms around my waist and sniffle.

"we're going to the gazebo. It's where a lot of us come here, to... I dunno, just vent and stuff."

I start sobbing harder, sitting down on one of the hard wooden seats. I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs, crying.

"I f-feel so horrible. I don't want to be here. N-nothing can fix me!"

"Aw, Lilly. That's not true. It will help you."

"You s-said it sucks."

His face clouds over. "Is this because of what I said? Oh my god, I didn't mean it that way. I mean...like, it's hard but in the long run, New Beginnings is good. It makes you an entirely new person!"

I start blubbering even more and notice Oliver looks worried for me. "Why do you care about me a-anyway?"

"Because I know that behind the eating disorder and drugs and everything...there's a sweet, down to earth girl. I know they can fix you."

"I'm just a worthless piece of crap. I don't deserve this!"

"But you do! You know, you'd be really pretty if you gained weight. You're so bony." he whispers.

"Yeah, right. You're lying. No guy _actually _thinks that way. If anything, I need to lose weight."

Oliver's face cramps up just hearing that. "Lilly! That is not true! I think you're b-beautiful!"

I widen my eyes and he blushes. "I-I mean-"

I kind of smile, as much as I can, anyway. "Thanks."

As much as I don't like to admit it, Oliver is really sweet. No one else ever handled me this well. Ever. The only thing my mom ever talks about is my anorexia. We can't hold one conversation that isn't about it. She just cries all the time and tries to make me eat. She thinks it's my choice that I'm like this, when it's obviously not. Who would choose to be so broken? And my dad, he hasn't even tried to hold a conversation since I lost my period and was actually diagnosed anorexic. Even though my parents are divorced, he could at least call me. I dropped out of school and did my assignments online because I was so weak. Not like anyone at school even bothered to talk to me once I left. But with Oliver...it's different. It's like he understands. He gets what I'm going through and he doesn't want to push me away, he wants to..._help_ me.

"Thank you." I say softly, "Thanks for trying to help me. It means a lot."

I start to cry again but this time it's a mix of happy and sad tears. Yeah, I ruined my entire teenage years with this, but now I'm getting help. And I'm determined. I have hope in myself, that by the time I'm out of here, the eating disorder will be gone. The depression will be gone. I'll never do drugs or drink again in my life.

"Let's be best friends." Oliver murmurs to me.

"What?"

"Do. You. Want. To. Be. Best. Friends?"

"What, are we three?" I joke.

"No. But I'll make you a deal, if you go back to the cafeteria and finish an entire salad, you can be my best friend."

I shake my head. "I told you, I went over my calorie limit today."

"Please do it, for me?" He makes puppy dog eyes at me and I smile the tiniest bit.

"Fine. One salad."

"One salad." Oliver clarifies.

I nod. I'm determined to get better. An salad is only like...200 calories. And 200 calories isn't that much, right? I mean, I can always just purge or work out after I eat it.

A worried look creases my face and my eyes cloud with tears. This is going to take some getting used to, but I'm going to do it.

I take a deep breath and smile shakily at Oliver. "Let's go."

He grins. "Seriously? Aw, I'm proud of you! See? It's that easy."

I smile back but I'm still worried. Honestly,_ is it_ that easy? I look at Oliver again. Maybe it is. He's helping me, he actually cares about me. If he wants to see me get better, shouldn't I want to see myself get better? And maybe I do. I mean, now that I met Oliver, I actually...have a reason to live.

**If you review I'll make the next one quick. Tell me what you think. Too dark? Too deep? I dunno, tell me! Thanks for reading :).**


	2. Chapter 2

I walk into my room, numb to everything around me. It all happened so quickly; coming here, meeting Oliver, almost positive that I would be able to recover and then doubting myself yet again. As of now, I'm not even sure what I'm going to do. I sigh and I'm ready to just collapse in my bed and call it a night. I still have dinner, though, where apparently they monitor everything you eat. Which you know, is always just freaking fabulous. At home I could just lie about everything I ate and get away with it. Then again, at home I wasn't even close to recovery. Now I'm gonna at least try to be.

"Hey."

I look up and see a girl about my age with chin length dark brown hair. I wonder why she's here. She half smiles at me. "I guess you're my roommate."

I nod. No one ever told me I was going to be stuck with a roommate, but I guess I should have realized it, there _are _two beds in the room. "I'm Lilly."

"Dana."

We share awkward smiles. Looks like we're going to have a _ great_ relationship. "So, did you just get here?" I ask her.

"No. I've been here for a month and a half. My old roommate just...left." She looks down sadly and I cringe. What is 'left'? Dying? Realizing she will never be recovering and going on with her life?

Dana is still looking down sadly and I shift in place, wondering what to do. I slowly start walking to the bathroom.

"Um...where's the mirror?"

My new roommate looks up, suddenly looking lost. "Oh. Yeah, we aren't allowed to have mirrors." She shrugs.

Awesome. No mirrors. What is going to happen if we just have one mirror in our bathroom? It's not like people are going to try to break it and cut themselves on the glass. I wince at the thought. It's probably for some spiritual reason, like, 'the mirror can lie, it doesn't show you whats inside.' I groan, part of my daily ritual is staring in the mirror and agonizing everything wrong with me. Maybe it's not a good habit, but it's mine. It's something I've done even before this eating disorder emerged in my body.

"I'm going to the cafeteria!" Dana shouts as she walks out the door and I sigh. Why do I care where she's going? Especially that she's going to the cafeteria. Does she want to rub it in my face? It seems like she's mocking me. _Oh, I can eat and you can't, ha ha._ I sit on my bed and put my head in my hands. I feel like crying, just sobbing until all this goes away. I know it's not gonna go like that, I only have one option in my life right now, and this it it. I groan and push my face onto my pillow, slowly letting tears escape out of my eyes.

"Lilly?"

I take my time in lifting my head out of the pillow. I wipe my eyes and see Oliver standing in the open doorway, he looks worried.

"Oh, hi." I uncomfortably shift in place, feeling dizzy. I rub my temples and focus my eyes on the laundry basket in the corner of the room. I know I'm going to faint if I don't do this. This is the exact feeling I get right before fainting.

"Are you okay?"

I sniffle and narrow my eyes at Oliver._ Of course I'm not okay, you dumbass. I'm sitting here on my first day of rehab crying my eyes out, ready to faint,_ I want to scream. But instead I just half nod. Oliver's the only person in my life that's cared about me this much. Hell, he's the only person in my life that's cared about me_ at all_. I've never had real friends in school, only backstabbing bitches who like me one day then hate me the next. Now I have someone giving me a shoulder to lean on, I need to take this.

"Are you sure?" He sits down next to me and I just gaze at the wall. Don't move your eyes, Lilly. Don't. Move. Your. Eyes.

"I'm gonna f-faint, or throw up." I whisper, laying down on the bed and groaning.

"W-what? Do you want something?" He starts getting up but I latch onto his arm. "_No_. Stay here."

"Lilly, I'm gonna go get you something to eat."

"I'll come with you!" I jump up and little too fast and end up falling down again. I am so weak.

"No. You're staying right here. K?"

I scrunch my eyes together, too weak to reply. I really want to go with him, he'll probably get me something with way too many calories then lie about the actual amount. Then I'll eat it and feel even worse than I do now. I try to fall asleep, but it seems almost impossible. I'm so weak and broken, yet I can never get good sleep. It doesn't make any sense. _Nothing _about my life makes sense.

"I'm...back!" Oliver almost yells, running in the door out of breath. He's holding a small container of yogurt.

"Hi." I try my best to smile.

"Here." He hands me a spoon. "Eat it. It's only 170 calories and 3.5 grams of fat!"

I laugh a tiny bit when he says that, he probably has no idea what that even means. "Thanks." I slowly take the spoon and yogurt in my delicate hands. I start eating it and carefully take a long bite. It tastes good, which I guess it's supposed to. But not just good in a sugary, sweet way, but good like...I actually enjoy it. The amount of calories or how much I have to work out after this isn't running through my mind. Instead, I'm thinking about the taste. The way the cold substance feels on my tongue. I'm not worrying at all, I'm thinking..._like a normal person. _

I reach in to eat more and notice that there's no more yogurt inside. I finally look up and Oliver and smile. "Thank you," I touch his hand. "Really."

He looks happier than I feel. "See how easy that was?" He grins.

"Yeah. It _was _easy, I guess."

"How did it taste?" Oliver asks eagerly, like the yogurt has the most interesting taste in the world.

"Good. Really good."

He smiles. "Great."

"So, you're starting school on Monday!"

I glare at him. "School?"

"Yep. You didn't know?"

I shrug. My mom didn't tell me anything about this place, she basically just shipped me off on a plane without giving me any information whatsoever. I guess she needed to get rid of me, or she was just tired of taking me to the hospital nearly every day. I pause to think about it. Maybe actually going to school isn't such a bad thing. When I got taken out of school for my anorexia I literally did nothing all day. It was horrible and boring and made me more depressed than I already was. Being with people has got to make me feel better, right?

My stomach clenches up and I groan. This happens every time I eat an actual meal. My body's used to not eating at all, so when I do eat it gets confused and I feel absolutely horrible. An announcement comes on the PA telling everyone that it's time for dinner and to go to the cafeteria. Oliver starts getting up but I pull him back down again.

"Don't make me go. Please?" I hate meeting new people. Especially since all they do is monitor my every move, seeing every calorie I intake and every thing I say. Right now I feel horrible anyway.

Oliver blinks hard. "You have to go, Lilly."

I hold my stomach anxiously. "C-Can't you just get me something? I'm not ready."

"Go. Please?" Oliver gives me cute puppy dog eyes. "For me?"

I suddenly feel sad, depressed and just plain awful. I stuff my face into the pillow again. The sick, unhealthy eating disorder part of me wants to say, _'fuck dinner, who needs it?'_ Part of my brain is pushing me to snort cocaine right now. Somewhere inside, I'm screaming to get this eating disorder out of me. It's taken over me, the only logic inside of me anymore is _not _to eat.

"No." I answer.

Oliver looks down at the bland yellow comforter. He looks far away and unaware of anything that's going on. "Why...why do you think I resorted to alcohol?"

"I don't know..."

"M-my mom, she-" Oliver pauses mid sentence to put his face in his hands. I get a glimpse of his watery deep brown eyes. He glances up at me again and I nod for him to go on.

"My mom passed away earlier this year from anorexia. She was a single mother. We were poor and lost but I would do anything to go back to the days where she was happy. Not even that, I would go back to the days she was alive." He takes a deep breath, "I had to move in with my raging alcoholic dad once she died. I saw him getting drunk every night and figured it would let the pain go away. But...it didn't."

"I-I'm so sorry." I feel my own eyes sting with tears. It explains so much. Why Oliver wants me to concur this horrible disorder. Why ever since we first met today he's been so protective over me.

"She gave up, Lilly. You can't give up. I can't _let _you give up."

"I don't want to give up." I look up at him with wide eyes, biting my lip.

"Good. Cause I'm not going to let you."

**It's actually really creepy how personal this story is. Yeah, never get an eating disorder. **


End file.
